As I open my eyes in the morning, I see it. It is enormous, big, dark and dangerous. My legs start fidgeting, and I feel nervous. I do not want to wake up, because waking means I have to acknowledge that I am afraid. I am scared of this tyrant called fear.
‘What if this goes wrong? What if I fail in this project? What if this disease takes over my life? What if I never get back into shape? What if my relationship fails? What if I am a failure?’
It is a constant knocking on the door and a banging over the ceiling that fear creates for me, that I cannot hear anything else. I can’t move, I can’t shout, I can’t call for help, and even if I do, no one else can see this conniving monster.
So here I am in fearful misery about everything in life.
A hazy vision through my half open eyes, shows me, that this monster was a gift. It was given to me, not only on my birthdays but on most days by people around me and I received it not knowing that the gift does me more harm than good.
It started with, “you behave like your cousins, we are not rich like them, don’t be a brat like that”, “you behave like your father”, “if you don’t behave as I say, you will lose this job.” “if you leave this job, you will not get anything else.” “if you take this path you will not be able to have stability in your life.” “if you love this person, it may not work out.” “you may not work out!”
I rebelled from the outside, but i don’t know if I don’t speak the language myself. It takes over my tongue, my heart, my brain and I start speaking its words through my mouth.
Things I want to say “no” to, become “yes”, things I don’t want to do are done by me. I change my course of life as if I have no will. The shackles of fear are binding. It binds me, and it binds others. People I love, people I care for are bound by it.
I wish I could go to someone and ask this ghost to be removed from my life. But sadly I know that isn’t possible.
It is my monster, my devil and I have to work to work on it.
Fear, if you want to lurk in the corner of the room and boo me all the time, then sooner or later I will have to find ways to boo you back. I will. I don’t say this because it is day and the sun shines bright; i say this because i am exhausted feeling scared of you.
You sure are a non-returnable gift. I don’t wish to transfer you. I cannot destroy you, because you have ways of creeping in, but I can look you in the eye and do what I want to do. That is the trick that I want to learn, and I hope to learn it soon!