Why are you soooo anxious?

Why am I anxious?
don’t ask me.
ask Mrs.candy or
miss Sita,
they are the ones
who told me
that I had
to remember the poem
by heart
or a stick kept waiting
to give a smart-
ing pain on my knuckles
so while I tried to recall my poem
all I could think of how
I was to avoid
making a mistake
to make it right
and never to fail

why am I anxious?
don’t ask me.
ask Mrs. Malholtra
the one whose pallu would
not hide her breasts
her, you can ask her, the one
who would give us 5 tests
in a day to prepare for and
not getting through meant
you were to be slapped on
little 14 year old cheeks
to be humiliated for
for my memory leaks.

Why am I anxious?
ask my dad,
he wanted to beat me
twice in my life time
with a belt and a scale
and many times
he has scarred me
with his words
“it’s high time, you took your studies seriously”
his anxiety has trickled into
my nerves. His restlessness,
into my subconscious.
Making me partly like him.

Why am I anxious?
ask my mom,
she had to hurry to grow me up
she had to hurry to go to the grocery store
to finish things up
to teach me how to write “e”
to hurry and see that I don’t grow like daddy
so she kept hurrying everything up
and I, the rebel that I am,
slowed everything down.
for her sake and mine

You ask, why am I anxious?
why don’t you ask the guy,
who called me for my first job interview
Mr.Something something
he asked me if I was ready for this job.
internship he meant.
I said “I think I can do it”
He said, “you think” you don’t know.
I couldn’t flaunt fake confidence when I had none
I hadn’t done the job before
I didn’t know the ins and outs
how could I promise I would not fail?
Wasn’t I supposed too?

so now, I have become anxious.
I don’t want to go wrong
my therapist asks me
if I am attached to perfection
I am not.
I am scared of losing
face, losing a job,
losing my confidence,
losing my worth,
because I couldn’t remember a poem, how write an “e”,
because I couldn’t fake it, couldn’t make it,
lie, run on the wheels of the ever churning mills
of this society.

Because, nobody can allow me to grow,
make mistakes and show (them)
nobody could allow me to be
so I find myself too imperfect
to begin with.

The saddest part of the story is
I have let my self-worth go
I have allowed myself be romped
by other’s opinion of me
it is an old habit you know
I will take a while now to change,
to begin, to allow, to be, to me define what I mean to me.

It will take a lot of time!
but till then
don’t ask me
why I am so anxious?
ask yourself
you have all the answers
you know.